ArtemisDragonheart

I am sorry for vanishing again.

I have lost the 3rd loved one this year now.

First our oldest dog passes away. then my great grandmother.

And now our youngest dog died.
AND I HAD TO WATCH HIM DIE!

I have been begging my parents to take him to the vet because I myself do not make enough money to be able to afford any emergency treatment for our pets.

I loved this dog with my whole heart.
I helped to raise him from a puppy.
He was hardly more than a year and a half old.

For 4 whole days he wasnt eating or drinking and i was begging my mom to take him to the vet because my dad wasnt home for a few days.

And you know what happened?
My dad came home on thursday and he was going to take hin to the vet on friday morning.

My dog died early that friday morning. 😭

My parents were too late.
I sobbed my eyes out and forced myself to go to work for a half day to get the most urgent jobs out.
Then I went to my boyfriend's house for the weekend to mourn.
I have had no contact because i wanted to be alone with him and his cats. I COULDNT talk to anyone besides him.

I feel like everyone i know is suddenly deciding to die. I am worried who is going to be next.

I am allowed to cry and cut myself off from everything for a while.
I am allowed to be sad and mourn the death of a precious loved one. He was more MY dog than my parents dog.

And it hurts. It hurts so much still thinking about it. BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING! ....anything..

I am still so sad. It hurts.. hurts so much.

And i didnt tell anyone because i was just too damn sad to do anything at all after my dog died.

I wasnt that close to my great-gran or our oldest dog. But i had a bond with our youngest.

I am a royally stupid human being who starts worrying too much about one thing and forget to let others know because of my fear and anxiety.

This is way worse than when my gran died.
This dog was like my little brother..

I am allowed to have some space. Just a little time.

I will reply to everyone soon.
I am sorry for vanishing.

Hey guys.

Ok so i can finally explain stuff.

I have been missing because my phone broke and i had no way to get onto DA to contact you guys.

I have a very very old phone as a backup that cant access the internet all that well that i had been using for the last few days while my phone was being repaired. This being said i HAVE been TRYING to get onto facebook to let somw of my other friends know, BUT as i said my old backup phone is REALLY SHITTY. It keeps dropping the connection to facebool every time i manage to login.

I couldnt just get a new phone because i do not have the funds for it. *crying face*

I know this seems like i may have caused offence to some of you. But i did not mean this.

I know i have shitty luck with electronics it seems.

shit like this happens and then you have no way of letting people know whats going on. Especially seeing as my laptop has ALSO decided that it has finally started going on its last legs. Its quite old and slow in running.. so yea im gonna have to start saving up to replace it soon... someday... maybe.. *sighs*

Well i am back and will hopefully get to everyone's notes and messages.

At least i havent been missing for a month!! 😂😂
Thats good news at least

Hey guys.

Sorry about kind of dropping off the grid.

We have been having trouble with our internet company and my parents forgot to pay them.

Took a few days before they managed to get it turned back on.

This being said i wasn't able to use my phone to get onto DA or Facebook either. I had run out of data, also we had headed up to joburg for a day or so this weekend. So there was no way i could have gotten online even if i tried. It is about a 6 hour trip up to joburg. Then the next day was another 6 hour trip back home to durban.

Sorry again for not letting you guys know in advance.
It kind of just happened and i had no way to tell you.

I am back now and will get back to posting

This... I dont even know where to begin.

I had barely woken up to get out of bed to start my day and get ready for work...
When my dad came into my room and announced that my grandparents (on my mom's side of the family) contacted them just a little earlier to tell them that my great grandmother Tina had passed away in the early hours..

At first i couldnt react. It was as if my mind was rejecting what i had just heard. It happened slowly.. painfully.
That dawning of realisation.
I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep me grounded.
The strangled noise i somehow managed to make had my dad sitting down next to me and holding me as i choked out a few sobs..

I could have stayed home. But i didnt want to be alone. I couldnt stand the thought of crying all day.. Both my parents still had to go to work. So i did as well.

My colleuges (sorry i cant spell now nor can i make myself care too much at the moment) managed not to get annoyed with me whenever i asked something stupid.
I am grateful for them. For their patience.

I felt unnaturally numb all day. With my heart in my stomach and my mind in a slight haze.

This.. i have had family members die before.. but it never hit me as hard as this.

My gran was 94 and had been bedridden in hospital for the last week and a half. My family and i were all worried, but we had hoped that she just caught a bad illness or that her diabetes was just acting up.

But she started eating less and became cattatonic.

What hurts most, having most of my family in pretoria while i had moved to durban with my parents, is that i couldnt even be with her one last time to.. to say fare well.

And niether could my mom.
My mom lost HER gran.
After being around for so long.

I didnt share a particularly strong bond with her like i do with my other two grans. But i still loved her. And she was always sweet and warm and welcoming. I have very good memories of her.

I know i dont post publicly that much any more. Im not really the sort of person to share every single detail of my life all the time. Much less the goings on of my family.
What they do is their own business. And i respect that.
I just wanted you guys to know that i have been trying to handle a lot of things recently, while still TRYING at the very least to get back into posting some notes or messages or art..

But my heart hurts.

I know my mum is hurting too. And whenever she is she gets moody and angry. She lashes out easily when upset. This leads my parents to argue.

It has been a long rough day.
I still feel like crying.

I miss being on DA more often.

I know it seems like i might be avoiding people.

But im not. Its nothing personal.
I dont have it in my genetics to actually hate someone. EVER. I care entirely too much about my friends. Even my internet friends.

Im just trying to deal with this mess i call a life.

I also came to terms with the fact that i am highly empathetic.
(I know there is a lot of sceptacism about this sort of thing)
I pick up on other people's emotions very easily.
Overly crowded places make me antsy and i "wear out" faster. Especially with lots of noise.

When stress mounts up, i have realised that i close myself in and hide away in order to recharge my "emotional batteries".

I guess it is a defence mechanism my body learned while i was younger and just became more of a problem with having gone through university and moving so far away from my family in these last years.

I dislike the fact that i had to loose a beloved grandmother before i managed to figure this sh#t out.

I am sorry.

I miss you all.
Im trying.

I will try harder.

I just need to grieve and get this out of my system.

Love you all.

So my scanner is somewhere who knows where,

So that is why most of my uploads have been such sitty photos i had to take with my phonw DX

Hopefully once i dig the scanner out from somewhere i will be able to scan in my art properly and update the ones that i posted.
Lol

Love ya guys.